Fifth Blog Check!

Dear Classmates,

I just wanted to share my thoughts on the RAM model discussed in class. I agree with it almost entirely—99.9%, to be exact—because I have personal experience that strongly supports it. While I’ve briefly mentioned my story before, I haven’t shared the full details until now.

For privacy reasons, I’ll keep my ex’s name anonymous, but let’s call him John. John and I were in a relationship from January-September 2023. This was my second relationship, and at the time, I assumed everything we did was normal for a couple, so I didn’t question it. Our relationship had a unique code word, "Pretzel," which I could use if things ever felt overwhelming—similar to how some couples use "Pineapple." Since we had attended the same school and church ward, I thought I knew him well before we started dating.

Around January, I finally gathered the courage to send John a note asking him to be my Valentine. He said yes, and immediately he assumed we were officially together—boyfriend and girlfriend. I told him that he hadn’t actually asked me yet, but soon after, he formally did, and we became a committed couple. Interestingly, we had never been on a date before this, nor had we interacted enough to truly know each other. Yet, suddenly, we were dating, and not long after, we attended a school field trip together.

During that trip, we bonded and tried to get to know each other better. However, what I didn’t know was that John had Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). At the time, I ignored this fact, thinking, Well, I like him, so that’s enough. Fast-forward a few weeks, and we shared our first kiss. Again, I assumed physical touch was a normal part of a relationship, so our "touch meter" in the RAM model steadily increased from that moment. I didn’t know how to gauge when too much was too much. Emotionally, it was difficult—especially because I hadn’t spoken up when I felt uncomfortable. I experienced heartbreak in a way I hadn’t expected because I had trusted him completely.

His father later found out about our physical relationship and advised me to write down my priorities to share with John. I took the advice and wrote everything down, thinking that once John read my priorities, he would truly know me. In my mind, I had given him my full trust and relied on him entirely. I leaned on him so much that whenever he wasn’t around, it affected my mood, my interactions with others, and even how I treated myself. He became my source of happiness—which, in hindsight, wasn’t healthy. I now strongly advise against placing so many expectations on one person. Not only is it essential for your own well-being, but it also prevents you from unintentionally pushing others away. It’s important to take time for yourself, and I’ve learned to truly appreciate those moments of solitude.

Looking back, I realize that our RAM model was completely reversed. There are definitely things I wish I had done differently, but the past is the past—I can’t change it. However, through my past relationships, my Family Relations class, and an environment that encourages setting boundaries, I feel more prepared to protect my heart. I’m now much firmer in saying "no" or expressing discomfort, so no worries there.

The main takeaway? The RAM model is absolutely accurate. Ideally, you should first get to know someone, then trust, rely on, commit, and lastly—touch. Learn from my experience. Don’t rush into commitment and physical intimacy too soon. Instead, it takes at least three months (or more) to truly know and trust someone before moving forward.